Friday, July 26, 2013

Tough Week

B has been gone on RAGBRAI for 7 days now and I am still trying to process through why it has been so tough.

Sprocket has been great -- you know, as great as a two year old can be. My mom came out to visit and made me dinner and kept us company. So far, Inside Baby has stayed inside. My 37 week appointment went well. I scored a free maternity photo shoot with a really talented photographer in the area.

Sounds dreamy, right?

So why have I been emotionally on edge (or even over the edge) most of the week?

1. The Nesting Factor.
Baby is on my mind constantly. So much so that sometimes I have a hard time engaging in conversations that are not about the baby with other people. The same thing happened with Sprocket and lingered for a while. It is a great feeling. It is completely controlled by hormones and it is how the whole thing works. This little being consumes my life...and it should be that way. However, when I am in the throws of this dedication, it feels odd to look outside my nesting bubble at other people going about their lives and having a blast on RAGBRAI. It makes me feel unlike myself to not be able to participate in and enjoy said activities. It is kind of like when you are in third grade and you cover your lunchbox with Garfield stickers. You are really pumped about Garfield, but then you see your friend's lunchbox that is nice and clean. It's not that you don't enjoy the Garfield lunchbox - in fact, you love it!, its just that you feel like you put all your eggs in that basket and you are all in...and they aren't. Weird.

Not obsessing about baby? Weird.

2. The Fit Factor
I am big and pregnant and I love it. LOVE it. I get to walk around preceded by a big ol' belly and people can't help but talk with me about this exciting time. My belly is a badge of honor. I am finally going to get my termie. But, I have been getting bigger and bigger for a while. And have not been able to/or motivated to do much outside of walking. So, at 213 lbs (yeah, I said it) I am feeling a bit unlike myself physically and getting to that point where I am ready to have at least part of my body back. So, when I see my husband and friends cycling and drinking their way across Iowa, it makes me a little jealous. They are all wearing their teeny tiny Team Beaver jerseys and spandex and it makes me sad to be missing all of it...especially since it looks like such a fun year to be on the road. Bottom line: they look hot, and I feel, well, not.

Teeny Tiny Jerseys and Fit Fun

3. The Team Factor
Everyone says that marriage changes nothing...especially if you have been living together. Not True. B and I lived in sin for several years before tying the knot. Lots of things changed. The biggest was the realization that we were now a team. That low blows amongst friends (B and I tend to dish it out quite a bit) didn't fly and that it was our job to forge a path...together. We have been through a lot together and Team Smithers is going strong. Sure, things aren't always perfect. Sure, I really irritate B when I constantly put the lawn chair back in the garage where he parks his bike. Sure, B takes his socks off in random parts of the house and leaves them and infuriates my nesting self. Sure, we get in a couple funk every now and then. But. We are a team. When shit hits the fan, we are there for each other. Most days end and start with snuggles and we share most of the same interests. So, when B goes off to do RAGBRAI without me -- it makes me feel off balance. And when I enter this late stage of pregnancy (you know, the stage where the baby can come out at any time and I am completely in the unknown land of contractions and dilation), it feels odd and awkward and ungrounded.

Team Smithers

4. The Vulnerable Factor
I am big and pregnant and emotional. It is like I have no outer skin and every.little.thing. that could be remotely emotional for me becomes mega emotional. So, yeah. Numbers 1-3 above get amplified by 10 to the power of preggo.

I won't lie, B and I have been a bit chippy with each other lately. I have been feeling a little overwhelmed by pregnancy and toddlerhood and B has been working a lot. This week has been a great reminder of all the good things that daily life can make you forget.

So, there you have it. A dissection of why this has been a tough seven days, whether you wanted it or not. B comes home Sunday afternoon and I can't wait. It means things will feel a bit more normal and I can officially start the whole "get this baby out!" stage of my pregnancy.

1 Comment:

magazeta said...

Oh baby of mine...you are truly and always will be my last, littlest, and very tender Panda Bear! You will forge through this with flying colors ad come out a much stronger & better person & mom for it. It is just all those nasty HORMONES flying rampage that is f*cking with ya. I was so surprised at seeing you this week. You are definitely GLOWING with love & thoughts of this new little one. I am proud to be your mother. Love MOM

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